so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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