if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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