Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
