Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
