i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
