I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The power of my boobs compel you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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