I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
