Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
