we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
