Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
