I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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