When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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