watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
