life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
