so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
