after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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