I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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