Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
