I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
