He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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