i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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