3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
