we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
