i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
