I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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