Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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