No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I AM VODKA MAN
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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