he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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