YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
