I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
