I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
