the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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