The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
