There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every concussion has its silver lining
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize