How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
