Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
