When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
