she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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