i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
