He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
