I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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