I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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