My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
