Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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