I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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