Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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