my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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