Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
