My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
