thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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