Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
