My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
