I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
