Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize